Happy new year, everyone.

A fair number of hits to this blog are ones looking for information on how to daftar undi and google points them to this post: How to daftar undi or, what I did on Tuesday.

To those of you, I say “good on ya” and I hope you were successful at the pos ofis.

I know, from personal experience, that the SPR’s website isn’t the easiest to navigate and locate the information on how to get yourself on the electoral roll (ambiguous terms, tiny fonts, no permalinks to the information, etc. etc…).

In case you’re looking for the “official” instructions, the permalink to the page to explain the whole deal is: http://www.spr.gov.my/eng/index_files/pendaftaran_pemilihVBI/pendaftaran_pemilihVBI.asp

Then it gets better. And when I say it gets better I really mean it gets mind numbingly, jaw droppingly, head assplodingly bad.

This Sunday Star article, “A happy man, a happy home” reveals an amazing lack of sophisticated reasoning by the women behind this club when explaining their raison d’etre.

I couldn’t pick just a couple lines to comment on because every single word out of these ladies is just gold. So instead we’ll start from the very beginning:

THE first thing you see when you walk into the office of the now infamous Obedient Wives Club (OBW) in Rawang, Selangor, is a huge double bed covered with a velvety red bedspread.

In that situation, how does one keep “bordello”, “prostitutes” and “service” from popping to mind?

Noticing our discomfort, the club’s national director Fauziah Ariffin gives a small laugh.

“The reporters who came this morning straight away asked us if this is for the sex lessons in our workshop!” shares the slight woman jovially before adding, on a more serious note, “That is how everything has been twisted out of proportion.”

She quickly tries to set things right.

“Sex workshops are not on the agenda for the club; it is haram!”

But, you know, acting like first-class prostitutes is perfectly kosher. Anyway, you never really explained why the bed is there.

What they will have, she states, are motivational talks, counselling sessions and discussions among their 1,000 members.

“Of course, we welcome anyone to join,” she enthuses.

The newly-launched wives club catapulted to notoriety around the world recently when its vice-president Dr Rohaya Mohamed said the secret to a happy family and subsequently the solution to all of society’s ills is a happy man at home, which can be achieved if women served their husbands like “first-class prostitutes”.

A “Dr” huh? What kind? Must be very educated and articulate right? Just wait…

The outrage the remark has incurred is not surprising.

Was the remark based on facts? Definitely, avows Fauziah.

“You just need to open the newspaper or watch the news on TV: there are so many sex-related social problems rape, incest, prostitution and sex trafficking.”

Men will not be committing these crimes if they are sexually satisfied at home, she stresses.

Annnd we get to the first awesome quote. So, according to Ms. Fauziah, the spectrum of sexual violence is simply because wives are lousy in bed. How then to account for the non-married men who rape and rape as a weapon of war?

What Ms. Fauziah calls claims that are based on fact is in fact a whole lot of bullshit offered up without any verifiable proof. To wit, there isn’t even a logical fallacy here to disprove! Mon dieu!

All you need to know is that the entire body of scientific knowledge covering socio, biological and psychological motivations for rape is nonsense if you are to believe the above.

“The key to make a man gentle and loving is a first-class loving wife an obedient wife. When the wife is obedient, the husband will be happy and gentle. They will not look elsewhere for the loving they need.”

I didn’t realise all the raping is because men are looking for love.

And like simple economics, cutting off the “demand” for the illegal “sex” will cut the supply.

“The authorities have come up with a lot of solutions and conducted various raids or operations to nip these social problems, but they still exist. The solution we are proposing is one that is guaranteed to work, as it is backed by the Quran,” she explains.

Oh shit, give this woman the Nobel prize for economics now! Guaranteed by the Quran too!! Or your money back!1!!!one!

Committee member Siti Maznah Mohamed Taufik tries another argument to demonstrate how a sexually frustrated man can cause violence in society.

“Just yesterday, there was a story about a man who hit his wife with alesung (pounding stone) because she refused to have lunch with him. Do you believe that? It does not make sense. Just because of lunch, a man would hit his wife until she is hospitalised? I’m sure it is because she did not give him any the night before. That’s why he was furious with her.”

That’s right. No, no, you read right. The “do you believe that” is not outrage for the abuse this woman suffered in the hands of her husband. Oh no, Miss Siti is actually saying, “Pish-posh, it wasn’t about missing the date at KFC that caused darling husband to temporarily lose his gentlemanly disposition, that bitch was totally asking to be stoned because she wouldn’t suck cock like a pro.”

For “obedient” wives, Fauziah and Maznah are outspoken and frank about their belief. People have a misconception that they are meek women who are anti-career and anti-education, they say.

No lah, my dears, you’re actually anti-women and, quite frankly, intellectually barren.

“We were all working professionals; I was an accountant and she was an engineer. We were both educated in Australia,” says Fauziah, pointing to Maznah.

“So we have been exposed and we know how difficult it is to balance work and marriage.”

Now, she says, they are businesswomen for Global Ikhwan Sdn Bhd, the corporation that runs the OWC, and travel around the world five to seven times a year.

How do they find time to practise what they preach then?

“We become obedient wives when we meet our husband. You can say that absence makes the heart grow fonder,” Maznah quips.

She adds that they are constantly learning and reminding themselves about how to become obedient. Many working women, however, are content to neglect their wifely duties, she says.

“With housework, we can get help from maids, our children or family. But with sex, who can help? And if we go back to the time of Adam and Eve, that is the real responsibility of women (to fulfil the sexual needs of men) but many women are neglecting that responsibility, so men have to pay thousands of ringgit just to satisfy their sexual needs.”

And that is where the whole idea of the first-class prostitute service originated, explains Fauziah.

“That is what the statement means you need to be as skilful as a first-class prostitute and give more. It is not about the person, it is the service your appearance, the way you speak to your husband, the way you understand your husband. And it is not just in bed but in everything a wife has to be the best she can.”

She laments the way her vice-president’s words have been misconstrued.

“We are not equating a wife to a prostitute. A wife provides love and affection which a prostitute doesn’t,” says Fauziah.

But… but you said… ARGH!!!!

“We wanted to say that a good wife needs to be like a bidadari (an angel), but how many of us have met an angel? It will be difficult for people to relate to it.

“But mention prostitutes, and everyone will be able to visualise and understand the concept.”

What. The. Fuck?

Another question emerges: how do they know what first-class service from “elite” prostitutes is like?

“I know because I read about it in magazines and books. For example, I’ve read many thrillers of how KGB female spies are trained to use their sexuality to seduce men. We just want the service, not to be like the person. Those who read a lot will know what we mean,” shares Fauziah.

Seriously, I just kind of want to not say anything here. But I also kind of want to, so I will: Ohmyfuckinggodlady!!! Did you just say that your knowledge of high class whores comes from reading Sidney fucking Sheldon????????

And no, those who read alot don’t know what you mean, pseudo smarty pants. Those who read alot also hopefully read widely enough to realise that James A. Michener novels are not verbatim transcripts of real life.

They may not look like your typical sex pots but the two women do come across as warm and affectionate.

Malaysians, especially Malaysian Muslims, are hypocritical when it comes to sex, laments Fauziah.

“They act all prudish and don’t want to talk about sex. When they get older, the women start distancing themselves from their husband while many sleep in separate bedrooms when scientifically it has been proven that men have sexual needs until they die. That is why we have many cases of grandfathers raping their grandchildren.”

OH MY FUCK. I can’t– This is not even–

She, however, refutes the notion that the club is unfairly putting the blame on women.

“Men are responsible too. We have never denied that. But the root of the problem is that women are not fulfilling their responsibility to the men.

Dear Madam, when you say something is “the root of the problem” you are in fact blaming the entire female race. What’s more, for the rest of this article you keep saying women cause problems when they demand equal rights in the workplace and in relationships.

“If we go back to the Quran, you can see that God says women play a big role in shaping society but to do that they need to be good wives in the whole sense. Men and women are not created equal but women today do not understand that. Instead, they keep demanding that men understand them and fulfil all their wishes.”

The way she explains it, it is indeed a case of “men are from Mars and women are from Venus”.

“Men have only one desire, which is for women, while women have nine desires for a new handbag, new shoes and many more. That is how God created us, and there is a gap of understanding between the sexes.

Sorry, I missed the part in the Quran where Prada and Jimmy Choos are mentioned.

“That is why women are required to be obedient, so that they can bridge the gap between them and their husband,” says Fauziah.

“Women today, however, feel that it is the men who should understand them and fulfil all their needs,” Maznah interjects.

They believe that is the main reason why society is in a mess (huru hara): because women are demanding for equality in work and marriage.

Fauziah is not worried about young girls getting the wrong message about sex.

“We have children too. If the girls are good and have enough religious education, they will not misunderstand our message and stray from the right path. The basis of our belief is to love and be fearful of God. No religion in the world asks their believers to disobey their husbands,” she says.

As for the effect all the sex talk is having on their image as Muslim women, both Maznah and Fauziah are not too concerned either.

As Maznah puts it, “In Islam, we believe that God created women for men. Sex is natural. If you look at the Quran, there are a lot of references to sex.

“God even promised sexual pleasure from beautiful bidadari in heaven for those who are good. So are you saying that God is sex-crazed or obscene?”

What’s obscene is that I had to read this garbage and then worry that people are going to buy into your vile and vacuous views that’s straight out of the middle ages.

Whateverlah.com wishes you a happy bunny new year. Peace.

BUT I’M STILL HOLDING OUT HOPE, MALAYSIA.

Love,
One of your rakyat xoxoxo

…. and I can’t wait to make my vote count. (I didn’t register to vote for nothing you know!!)

Polystyrene window frame shock for house buyers [The Star]

BUTTERWORTH: Several house buyers in Taman Ampang Jajar here had a rude shock when they checked the houses – the outer frames of their windows were made from polystyrene.

A buyer, Lee Kim Tatt, 35, claimed that the polystyrene pieces were covered with a thin layer of cement.

…

A representative for the project’s architect said the frames were merely decorative pieces that should not be stepped on.

Unnnn-freaking-believable. I mean, if they were clever they would have at least tried to pass it off as some form of new energy saving insulation.

Note to self: Think twice before buying property back home.

“They are just selling Facebook, Twitter, L-Band and various other services, even through space, as a product but we do not do such business. We accept all this in a state of cultural shock,” he said.

Um. I have no fucking clue what the means. His cryptic, swaying train of thought is as WTF-inducing as a certain former Alaskan Governor. This fler is more than a katak bawah tempurung, it’s a deaf and blind katak under a tempurung buried under six feet of manure.

I think everything that can be said about this nitwit has already been said. The paper reported the backlash, and on Twitter was where the fun was. So search the hash tag #yorais for hours of enjoyment.

One final comment: I don’t know if he says this because he’s stupid or he thinks the rakyat is stupid. They stood flabbergasted after having their seat majority slashed and bloggers were voted in to public office in the last general election. The continual dismissal of the capabilities of new media to disseminate information will be their downfall. But let’s not give them any ideas…

*I used this phrase offhandedly on Facebook one time. It rolled off the tongue so well that I’m gonna keep it. “Preternatural goblokness” ® ©

Late Friday night / early Saturday I was driving a lonely stretch of the highway from Subang when the radio came on with a PSA for the upcoming Merdeka celebrations. The voice was explaining the significance of our flag, the Jalur Gemilang. Much to my absolute horror he kept saying shit like “Did you know the fourteen red and white stripes in our flag resemble…” and “The star and crescent resemble…”

Dear Copy Writer at Radio Station That I Cannot Remember Its Name:

resemble – v. have a similar appearance to or features in common with.

So… I do not think the stripes on our flag have a similar appearance to any of our 14 states nor does Islam looks particularly crescent-shaped today.. but a croissant does.

I think you were looking to use this word:

represent – v. 1 be entitled or appointed to act and speak for. 2 be an elected member of a legislature for. 3 constitute; amount to. 4 be a specimen or example of; typify. 5 (be represented) be present to a particular degree. 6 portray in a particular way. 7 depict in a work of art. 8 signify, symbolize, or embody.

I wish I could find an audio file of this PSA to traumatise you all with, but no joy so far. I’ll try to remember what station it was on next time. If only my phone can record sound…

In the meantime, let’s all pretend our English is very the good one.

ADDENDUM:

My brother and I had a very short conversation earlier this evening about his 3G internet access, and the Malay term for “broadband” was brought up. He rightly pointed out that “jalur lebar” is a terrible translation. Did someone in Dewan Bahasa not bother looking up the different meanings for “band”? Do they need to be shown how to use a dictionary ah?

How to have advancement in science and maths when the language it will be taught in is not properly equipped to convey the most accurate meanings for technical and scientific terms?

Me: I don’t think Yasmin Ahmad would like it much that they’re calling her “the director”…

Because, please if you don’t mind, she is so much more than a director. I aspire to her levels of living a life brimmed with joie de vivre and an unswerving faith in god, this world, and being Malaysian.

Yasmin Ahmad was buried early this afternoon. The Malaysian Insider has a report from the funeral.

The Star has been posting tributes to the story teller sent in from around the world.

The New Straits Time carries the obituary.

In the final entry of her blog, published just four days ago, Yasmin posted a piece by Puccini from his Turandot which she was hoping to use in her latest project, “Wasurenagusa”. It’s rather ironic then, to learn that Puccini died before he could complete Turandot. I don’t have a point, I’m just moping..

Ending this with an interview she gave on July 21st, 2009:

We miss you already.

…

… because it’s much too much effort.

The laksa croquette is a menu item from 7atenine, a fancy pants place at the Ascott in KL. The menu actually doesn’t look half bad.

My foodie friends, when will you all return so I can go feast there with people I enjoy nomming with?

Semalam semasa makan tengahari terlihat saya seorang lelaki yang amat tampan sekali duduk di meja sebelah. Apalagi, mencuri-curi tengok sajalah. Apa nak buat? Mak ada.

Ketika tengah-tengah berlakon ‘cool’ saya bangun untuk membasuh tangan tapi belum selangkah saja sudah hampir jatuh.. terpeleot. “Oh mak engkau!” aku berteriak di dalam hati. (But more accurately it was more like “FUCK!”)

Jejakaku senyum. No doubt, at my dweebness. Mampussss….

…

There. Had a good laugh yet?

In this other one, Yasmin talks to some bloggers a year ago. There’s some great anecdotes from the Tan Hong Ming ad. She also touched on several things that I really relate to when talking about filmmaking. One is the idea of control, or the lack of it as the director; and secondly – art as collaboration. I really could listen to her talk all day about film making, love, and on being Malaysian.